As I sit and wait for time to pass I try to contemplate the near future. I feel overwhelmingly blessed. It almost sounds like a negative emotion...to be overwhelmed is never something one invites into their lives but here I sit alone at home, a few precious hours where my life is my own.
I have never been one to revel in the stillness of alone time, although I do enjoy my space...I am more of a person who wants to be involved whether it be with one person or twenty. I find I become too melancholy when I'm alone, especially when I'm without Adam or my family.
I am thinking about my new home. I am thinking about the baby hanging out under my ribcage. I am thinking about my husband. I am thinking about school. I am done with every project but one for the summer II semester. In two weeks I'll start session III and be on my way to my final semester. I'll do all I can. I already feel stretched thin, thinking about my little baby at home with Addison while I finish my final semester at school. I've already shed tears, knowing that I would be leaving her. Knowing it was the best thing for her and for our family. If I postpone this last semester, she will know me better and better each passing month and be more aware of my leaving her.
This has been a random post and I will leave with one final thought...the other night in our birthing class they showed a video of a c-section. I didn't really want a c-section before and now I REALLY don't. First of all, they explained that a c-section baby has more fluid and toxicity in their lungs because when they are born naturally these toxins and fluids are squeezed from their little bodies (part of the miracle of birth). Aside from this, they don't lay the baby on your chest to clean and start the transition process. I know it sounds weird, but I really want that moment with my baby. I want her to know that I am there and that she isn't far from me. What a scary experience to leave your Father in Heaven and come to earth to be born. I watched this video and it almost made me cry. I wanted to hold this baby crying baby and tell him that everything was going to be okay. His dad was finally able to hold him and he stopped crying but when the nurses were doing their thing he was shaking and crying the saddest little cry in the world. Don't get me wrong, I want to hear my baby screaming when she is born. I don't think I'll feel completely at ease until I hear that crying baby but I want to be there.
Ultimately I put it in Gods hands and pray that whatever way she comes into the world she will be safe and healthy. I won't complain as long as she's safe and healthy...but I still would prefer not to have her via c section.