Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Life with Two

Wow, the transition to two has been crazy. It seems that since September 2nd hit I have been full speed ahead...and yet, I do nothing. This is how I'm getting by...

First of all, my mom came to stay and help out the first week. That first week when everything seems to be 100X harder than it could possibly be because you are recovering and you've just experienced a HUGE life changing event it was MAJOR that my mom was there. Not only did she make every meal, but she also cleaned my house, went to Dr. appointments, took care of some of Adam's paperwork, and most importantly she was Hannah's full time Mary Poppins. Mom took Hannah out on adventures each day so that she would be able to get out of the house and play and have special one on one Grandma time and I would be able to spend some time bonding with Paige. She even took care of several of Hannah's needs like buying her new shoes. If anything needed to be done: Laundry, cooking, taking Hannah to church/chuck e cheese/library storytime/ the name it/making mom was there 100 percent. She also talked me through my emotional roller coaster through several teary conversations. I don't know what I would have done without her. When she left, Hannah bawled her eyes out and kept saying "I wanna go wif gwama! I wanna go in gwama's car." (Secretly people...I did too).

Then there were my friends. As soon as my mom left, they were there. Seriously, on the first day that I was alone with the girls I talked to four or five friends who were calling me to help get me out of the house, or just see how I was. It was awesome. I have to give a special shout out to Katie who, seemed to be especially watching out for me and is always doing her best to get us out of the house or just talking me down from the crazies. I have such a great group of friends and I am seriously so blessed to have them.

Of course there is Adam. I'm not going to lie, the first two weeks were very hard on me emotionally and I always...without fail, take my emotional breakdowns out on him. Nobody loves me more, nobody loves me better than him and so I think it's easy to kind of beat him up because I know how much he loves me. It's pretty messed up, I'll admit it. Adam has been SUPER busy with the start of the school year and his last semester of school but he's always taken time for the two of us. He also takes time for each of the girls. right now he and Paige are sleeping on the couch and it is probably the sweetest thing I've seen all day (BTW, strangest thing I've seen today was Hannah taking off her shirt to "feed baby Paige" and then lean in for the feed...).

Finally, I realize that both times I've had my babies I've felt like there are angels present in my home ushering them into the world. It's a sacred experience (minus all the yelling and emotions) and I've felt very close to the spirit. I'm pretty confidant that my girls are being watched out for during this life transition, I don't think they would have been sent to me without someone watching out for our little family.

I've talked a lot about my emotional crazies...I really am fine now. The first week and a half was pretty rough but I'm doing so much better now that all our visitors are gone and Adam is back to work. I really feel like I'm getting a hang of everything.

And then I have this...

Thanks to my good friend Cheslea Mann :) Talented photographer!

Monday, September 26, 2011

There were never such devoted sisters...

I worried that Hannah would feel replaced by Paige, that she would resent her, that she wouldn't like her or want her around...boy was I wrong.

Every day since Paige was born Hannah wants to know where she is at all times. If she can't see her immediately she starts asking about her and looks until she has located the baby. Then she wants to hold her. She has tried to pick her up a couple of times but knows that she gets in trouble and that it is serious when she does. In fact, once she even got her out of her baby seat and toppled backwards, the two girls knocking heads. Baby P cried. Hannah was sad that she hurt Paige.

Today I was getting the mail outside, then proceeded to open it. While I was opening the mail, Paige was crying. All of a sudden she was calm. I heard Hannah ask "You cwying again Paige?" When I went over to them, Hannah was holding her hand and bouncing the baby seat. Paige was just watching her calmly.

Hannah is usually pretty reverent around Paige. I feel like Hannah will have a huge responsibility, being the oldest child. I know that responsibility, but I don't worry about Hannah. I know she is going to do a fantastic job!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Dear Paige,

I can't express my joy and gratitude that you are here. I couldn't imagine how my heart would open up to you, and love you as much as I do so quickly.

I can't help but wonder what you were feeling on Friday, September 2nd as you were entering into the world. Mommy and Daddy woke up very early to go to the hospital, although, that isn't very accurate since Mommy didn't really sleep. I couldn't contain my happiness that the long wait was over and you would finally join our family.

Mommy went in to Hannah's room and gave her a big hug and kiss as she slept, knowing that her life, as well as yours was about to change forever as you became sisters. I cried as I held her, saying goodbye to the simple life we shared together and welcoming a brand new adventure.

Mommy and Daddy got to the hospital at 4am, very early for two tired people! Daddy was very excited and kept joking with the nurses. I just wanted to be here. The nurse was very nice and started the IV right away, unfortunately, as soon as the IV was in, Mommy was suddenly very hot and dizzy. I almost threw up and I was kind of wigging out. I was afraid I was going to pass out. I still don't know what happened, because Mommy is not squeamish or afraid of needles. I couldn't have any water to drink so she brought me ice chips, which became my best friend through the day.

They decided to check me at 5:30. I was about a three or three and a half and you were in a great position. That is when they started me on the Pitocin. That first contraction was a very welcome feeling, knowing it would bring you closer to me. I was doing great with the contractions.

At 7:30 they switched nurses and I had nurse Melissa. She was seriously an angel. I could tell that she was not only very knowledgeable but kind and loving too. She was cheering me on. I was grateful that such a happy, positive person would be helping to bring you to me.

Nurse Melissa kept offering to get the anesthesiologist up to give me an epidural. I was handling the contractions very well and I wanted to hold out as long as I could, knowing that it might slow you down, and I wanted to feel that I was making progress in my body. About 10am I could tell that the contractions were getting stronger and longer and that if I held out TOO long I'd start feeling lots and lots of pain. So I asked for my epidural, knowing that it might take a while for Dr. Yay, (yes, the anesthesiologist's name was Dr. Yay)  to get here and administer the epidural. It did. He came about an hour later. At this point I was at 4 cm and ready for the medication.

This epidural was not as pleasant as it was with your sister. I was so terrified when I was getting one with Hannah but had such a great experience I wasn't even worried, however, it was very different. I wonder if it was because Dr. Yay kept telling me what I "might" experience like I "might" feel it hitting my nerves (I did) and I "might" feel lightheaded (I did). It felt great to get the epidural and I knew it was just a waiting game.

At one, Melissa came back. She checked me again and to everyone's disappointment I wasn't making any progress. She called Dr. Harter to see if she could break my water and he said he'd like to wait (she'd called him once before) still and see how the baby was doing. They started rolling me from side to side every 30 minutes because your heart rate was going down after each contraction. Melissa said the cord might be wrapped around your neck. This make me so scared. From the moment I knew you were inside me, I had a fear that I would not be able to carry you safely here. My heart hurt, wondering if you were tucked inside, in distress. The nurse left and Daddy could tell I was very scared. Although Melissa had been really reassuring that she felt everything would be ok I was still very tense. I asked Daddy for a blessing.

I don't remember much about the blessing but something stuck out in my mind strongly. Daddy said "know that Dr. Harter is an inspired man who will be guided to know what to do." Dr. Harter holds the priesthood like Daddy, and more than once between my two pregnancies I have felt Dr. Harter be inspired by the Holy Ghost and follow those promptings to bring my babies here safely. Just a few moments later it seemed, Melissa came in to say that Dr. Harter had called to give the order to break my water.

Baby P, you are going to be a swimmer. It seemed like the water would never stop coming. Even Melissa was surprised at just how much water you were swimming in! Once the water was broken I could feel the contractions getting stronger. That's right, my epidural was wearing off. I could tell that it was still there somewhat but I could feel my legs completely like normal. Melissa helped me push the button for more numbing and that helped for a little bit but about a half hour later I could feel it wearing off again! Meanwhile, she checked me pretty soon after and I was progressing fast! I went from my 4 to 10 in 45 minutes! She called the Dr. and he said 20 minutes.

So at this point I began to feel the need to push. I'd heard people talk about it but had never understood it. With every contraction your body was begging to come and I was laying on my side trying to keep you inside while we waited for Dr. Harter. Melissa kept saying "He's gotta make it, he's going to be here..." and I wanted to say "who cares if he's here I have to push!"

The nursing staff could hear him running down the hall so they allowed me to turn on my back. I had requested a mirror so I could watch you be born into the world. As soon as I saw your head I couldn't contain my emotions. I started crying, tuned everything else out in the world, and focused on getting you in my arms. In just three pushes you were in my arms (which was good, because that epidural wasn't doing me any favors). I thought instantly that you looked like your sister. You were your own beautiful person but I could tell you were ours. I was so emotional holding you and loving you. Daddy and I kept saying "LOOK AT HER TINY ARMS! LOOK AT HER TINY LEGS!" The nurses said "Ummm she's not that tiny" but at 7 pounds 13 oz and 20 inches long you were a half a pound lighter and two inches longer than your sister. You were a skinny little thing.

Paige, it has been just a week and already you have transformed our lives. We love you so much. Hannah loves kissing you and holding you. She also loves speaking for you "Paige wants her binkie," "Paige wants her bwankwet."

You've had several visitors. Katie and Jen Green came in the hospital and Chelsea, Kate Stahlie,  Jessica Duff, and Jen Lee came to see you when you came home. Your Doctor (Dr. Dani Prashant) said that you are absolutely perfect (and he's right). You are a great eater, and an even better sleeper (I have to wake you up to feed you during the night). You love being held and get annoyed when we put you down but you aren't a fussy baby.

We love you Paige. Thank you for being born.