Tuesday we basically did the same thing, just hung around and played with each other. I ran two miles per my training schedule. Hannah was trying to get my attention at some point today and she kept saying "Mommy, mom, mom, Mommy, hey mom," while I said "hold on Hannah I'm busy." Finally she stood in front of me, spread her arms out wide and sang (to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody) "MAMAAAAA OOOOOOOHHH." She cracked me up.
Wednesday I got up and ran 2.5 miles, then we walked up to Adam's school to drop him off for work. When we got home, it started POURING rain. I'm not kidding, we missed the rain by MAYBE five minutes. It rained the whole rest of the day, so it was pretty fun. We went to the library and read a lot. At midnight, Hannah came in to our room, soaked and naked. It seems she decided to take a walk in the rain in the middle of the night and when she got soaked to the bone she came in, took off her PJs and crawled in bed with me. I got her dressed and sent her off to her own bed. What a crazy chick. The front and garage doors have chains on them so she can't get out of them (yet) but the back yard she can unlock easily. Grrrr.
Thursday I ran 2.5 miles and walked Adam to school again. After 13 miles this week of running and walking my body needed a break. We went to McDonalds to play with some friends. I was the only non pregnant one and was feeling pretty good about myself :) I had to go shopping so I left quick and got some things for book club. I made some yummy brownies and at dinner I told Hannah "If you eat all your dinner I will let you have a brownie." She came back with "If I eat all my brownie, I will get to play with your ipod." Yeah, that sounds like a good deal (not at all, it sounds like a win win for Hannah lol). Book Club was so much fun! We read The Fault in our Stars by John Green. We had a lot of new people which is always awesome. I also thought the discussion was great.
Friday was not so great. Hannah has been acting up a lot since we were in Hawaii. She refuses to take naps, or go to bed when she is supposed to. I have been exhausted by this, and Friday I decided to take a nap. I put her in her room, put Paige down, and went to lay down myself. I woke up 20 minutes later to Paige crying. Apparently, Hannah had woken up Paige. Now, in order to be understood I must first say that when Hannah goes down for a "nap" (although she hasn't slept in weeks) her first attempt is to ALWAYS have a potty accident. This is super frustrating for me, since I KNOW she doesn't need to go and she is forcing herself. How do I know this? A) I take her potty before each try to take a nap B) She didn't use a pull up once with my mom but she did for weeks before Hawaii and now weeks after. C) She will have an accident to get out of things like time out, naps, etc. She will have an accident if she is mad at me, she will have an accident if I withhold privileges. All this has happened since Hawaii when all the struggling I did for three years was undone in a single week of getting to do whatever she wanted. Things I have tried to do to get her to stop doing it: Make her clean it up every time, make her pick it up with her hands, make her sit in it, take away toys, take away privileges, spank her, yell, be patient, shower her in cold water, make her wear freezing cold underwear ("I like my frozen panties..." really.), make her wear a diaper. I have done everything. Well Friday I finally had it and I just snapped. I couldn't talk to anyone, I couldn't be around my kid, all I could do was lay in my room (as soon as Adam got home of course). I cried and cried and cried until I went to the relief society activity then I ran away from home for a few hours.
Saturday I woke up, went running, and then took Hannah to get our Bountiful Basket. I took her to the park hoping to make her tired. I played with her all morning hoping to get her tired. We ran around, played in the back yard, did cards etc. Did it make her tired? No. Just me. At nap time she of course went as always and quickly came out, then had an accident. Not only that but she was yelling and misbehaving. I snapped. I just left. I said, "Bye Adam" and took off. I was gone for about two and a half hours. What did I do? First of all I went to Marshalls to get new cheap sunglasses and ended up finding my exact pair in black (not ideal but I'll take it). Then I wandered around Walmart for two hours while people probably wondered what the woman with the swollen eyes was doing staring at the pull ups for a half hour was doing. I came home when it was about time for my kids to be asleep and started researching how much sleep should a three year old have. Did you know that between three and four a child should be sleeping 12-14 hours? That means Hannah should be sleeping up to FIVE MORE HOURS during the day for health and growth. Five. She gets MAYBE 9 hours, you know, when she's not out dancing naked in the rain at midnight and playing around the house at 4am. I went to sleep shortly after that feeling numb and discouraged.
I knew today would be a bust too. She'd already broken me. I stood at the top of the stairs for 20 minutes trying to will myself to go down before climbing into bed fully made up and dressed for church. I wasn't going to go. But then I had to go because I couldn't NOT go. While I was complaining to my friend Brittany she said "Nobody can give you advice because nobody has ever had HER." It's true. I've been told by people in my family who live far away "be consistent, be strict, don't give in." I want to shout I AM!!! I AM!! I AM!!! I work myself to the bone for apparently 16 hours of the day worrying about her, teaching her, sometimes even dragging her to safety. As sweet and kind and smart and wonderful as she is she is stubborn, she is belligerent, and she is driving me crazy. Only my friends who live close by who know Hannah and truly love her really see how stubborn she is. I don't know what to do. I've lost my mind. It depresses me to think that I'll never be able to leave for a week of vacation again or I'll suffer the wrath of Hannah. It depresses me that I can't do anything, that I am so angry at my child. It depresses me to be so frustrated at someone I love so much. It depresses me to write these things because I don't want people to feel badly of her, or of me. I'm tired of feeling like such a craptastic mom. I'm tired of feeling like nothing I do for her matters. I'm just tired.
This was a couple weeks ago but I just got this picture this week
Hannah found an ice tray so we made ice then the girls played with the cubes outside.
Playing in the Rain.