Sunday, June 28, 2009
I wrote a letter to Elder Sean Marsden telling him of my round ligament and sciatic pains. I admit I was complaining a bit...Sean wrote back to me: "I'm sorry to hear you are in so much pain...if it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading glasses."
I'm not going to explain...if you explain the joke it's not funny. But if you got the reference then you will appreciate that moment :)
Friday, June 26, 2009
We went to our house today to see the progress and it is done. They are currently going through and touching up the paint and filling the nicks from moving things. After the landscaping we will have our pre-walk through on Tuesday morning. We will provide them all the things we can see that need to be fixed or added before Monday, July 6. On July 6 we will have our final walk through and will be shown our completed house with the appliances. Our real estate agent told us it is possible we could have the keys as soon as July 7. That would be amazing and would allow us about a whole entire week to move into our new home and get things situated. We already purchased our washer, dryer, refrigerator, and window blinds. Those will all be delivered and installed shortly after we get the keys. This is so exciting for us so we wanted to share updated photos from today.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
I admit I didn't think I would become pregnant as quickly as I did. In my minds eye, I pictured myself getting pregnant around April or May. When it happened immediately I was fearful for the perfect picture I had painted. I figured I'd graduate in December and have the baby shortly after. When Heavenly Father had different plans I began to panic and had two "ahha" moments which have gotten me through and accepted the fact that I would be returning to my most intense semester yet three weeks after having my baby girl.
The first would be in early December when I experienced morning sickness. I don't like to sit around doing nothing, feeling worthless and that was all I could do. I even missed a final and crawled in to two others. I felt like I couldn't do the things I wanted to do and then one day I came across my Motto. It comes from Lewis Carol's "Through the Looking Glass," and it states: "Begin at the Beginning," the King said gravely, "And go until you come to the end and stop."
It was such a simple line but it spoke to me. It spoke of enduring to the end. It is a simple concept and I wrote it on my school binder so when things became difficult and I felt I could go no further I would remember how I began at the beginning and then I will come to the end and stop.
The second epiphany came in January. I had no idea how I was going to do Student Teaching and be a mom. I didn't know where she would go...I didn't want to put her in daycare, I couldn't think of any ward members that were in a position to take her...and all my friends were doing Student Teaching right along with me. I was at my cousin Jenny's baptism when all of a sudden I felt a strong feeling that everything would be ok. This overwhelming peace came over me and had faith that this feeling was true. Turns out my brother in law is going to be able to come and be a full time nanny for us while in his "off" semester, so she can stay at home with him and uncle Addison will care for her.
It was one of those moments where you continue from the beginning heading for the end and the Lord finds a way to bless you with an answer. I'm grateful for those moments.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Tonight I've received a very tender mercy. I've been so grateful, and so fortunate to have Adam as my eternal companion. His love and tenderness, service and devotion towards me is something I could not have comprehended three years ago as one of the "fruits" of marriage. I knew I loved him and that he loved me and he would be good to me, but I didn't realize the literal meaning of companion that he would become.
Through my pregnancy, Adam has been a rock, a comfort. He has been there every step of the way, but tonight I realized there are moments of this pregnancy that I have had to do alone. One example is the terrible morning sickness, particularly in the first days when I couldn't keep anything down for longer than 20 minutes for about 48 hours. Now as I near the end of the pregnancy and experience the pain that comes only at night time forcing me out of sleep and into a thousand different positions until the pain in my lower right back subsides I again feel alone. I spend hours in middle of night alone contemplating my thoughts, working through the pain, longing for sleep, and feeling despair.
Tonight I turned for comfort in an unlikely source. Youtube. A few weeks ago I discovered the Mormon channel on facebook through LDS.org. I have linked it HERE. There are videos with short messages from Prophets and Apostles that are great for a little spiritual uplift. While I was watching a few, I felt like I should go ahead and use my time in the night to finish last April's conference talks. We were in New York over conference weekend and I have the podcast on my ipod. I finished the Saturday talks and decided to listen to the Sunday talks. A memory of my missionary brother reminded me that the talk his mission president had highlighted, the one he felt most anxious to hear was Jeffery R. Holland's talk on the Atonement. I started with this one.
Tears filled my eyes when I began to listen as he said "my Easter-season message today is intended for everyone, but it is directed in a special way to those who are alone or feel alone or, worse yet, feel abandoned... In short it can include all of us at various times in our lives.To all such, I speak of the loneliest journey ever made and the unending blessings it brought to all in the human family. I speak of the Savior’s solitary task of shouldering alone the burden of our salvation. Rightly He would say: “I have trodden the winepress alone; and of the people there was none with me. . . . I looked, and there was none to help; and I wondered that there was none to uphold [me]." The message goes on to document the last few days of our Saviors life. I wanted to share the most poinient moment of the talk for me:
The loss of mortal support He had anticipated, but apparently He had not comprehended this. Had He not said to His disciples, “Behold, the hour . . . is now come, that ye shall be scattered, every man to his own, and shall leave me alone: and yet I am not alone, because the Father is with me” and “The Father hath not left me alone; for I do always those things that please him”?
With all the conviction of my soul I testify that He did please His Father perfectly and that a perfect Father did not forsake His Son in that hour. Indeed, it is my personal belief that in all of Christ’s mortal ministry the Father may never have been closer to His Son than in these agonizing final moments of suffering. Nevertheless, that the supreme sacrifice of His Son might be as complete as it was voluntary and solitary, the Father briefly withdrew from Jesus the comfort of His Spirit, the support of His personal presence. It was required; indeed it was central to the significance of the Atonement, that this perfect Son who had never spoken ill nor done wrong nor touched an unclean thing had to know how the rest of humankind—us, all of us—would feel when we did commit such sins. For His Atonement to be infinite and eternal, He had to feel what it was like to die not only physically but spiritually, to sense what it was like to have the divine Spirit withdraw, leaving one feeling totally, abjectly, hopelessly alone.Brothers and sisters, one of the great consolations of this Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so. His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path—the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved Son, the consummate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil, prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given as companions for our mortal journey because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the Restoration of His gospel. Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are. Truly the Redeemer of us all said, “I will not leave you comfortless. [My Father and] I will come to you [and abide with you].
What a beautiful message that felt directed to a sad lonley mother in waiting. Someone who felt physical pain as well as emotional. Although my feelings of lonleyness came from the dark hours of the night when the world was still and the light far off, therefore, perhaps justified...I was quickly reminded of the atoning sacrifice of our Savior and the pure love of Christ which will not leave me alone, even when if feels like understanding is far off.
I know that as I sit here in the dark alone, I am not alone and I feel comfort. I am grateful for the atonement and for the perfect understanding of our Savior. I know that I am not alone. I will finish with Elder Hollands concluding thoughts: "This Easter week and always, may we stand by Jesus Christ “at all times and in all things, and in all places that [we] may be in, even until death, for surely that is how He stood by us when it was unto death and when He had to stand entirely and utterly alone."
For the entire talk click HERE
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Here are some beautiful pictures I've found of "my temple" (the Las Vegas temple) I know the temple is the Lords house but I have a special place in my heart for the Las Vegas temple. I found much refuge within it's walls, especially during the first few months to a year of living here.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
I'm convinced that pregnancy is a blessing in the fact that it not only prepares you physically for labor and delivery with all the contractions and strengthening of muscles etc. It also prepares you for taking the baby home. I've become a pro at falling back to sleep after these bouts of painful awakenings. I'm sure I'll never ever sleep the same again...always with one eye open. Even my parents who are down to one child living at home I'm sure enjoy restless nights of worry...not only for my sister but for me and Sean as well...such as the time this week when my mom received a call she was sure happened to be a death notice from the Idaho state troopers which can be read about HERE or when my brother decided to make a foolish choice and ended up in a car accident last September which can be read about HERE...and then there is me...living away from home for five years now, married with a baby on the way...and I even know to watch what I say when I tell my mom things like "I've been having contractions" (which are perfectly normal and healthy at this stage of pregnancy) as long as they are not frequent (they are not) painful (they are not) or timeable (they are not).
Tonight I was debating what I am going to name my daughter. What a hard decision. I thought it was difficult to come up with boys names but in the end I don't know how to decide. It seems like there is no perfect choice. I feel like there should be some moment when I can say (gasp) "That is IT!" but alas I haven't had that moment. Last night I was trying to zero in on a name. I think at this point Adam is really gunning for Sydney. Don't get me wrong, I really like the name, heck I was the one that suggested it! It is where Adam served his mission, it is cute and girly, and I've always really liked the name. I'm pretty sure I want the middle name after my sister, the aunt that wouldn't stop pestering me to get pregnant, the one who called me just a week before I told her that I was pregnant and begged me to tell her when I thought I would have a baby, the one who was DYING for a niece, my ONLIEST sister ever, and a great example to me and all around her. Adam's family (I believe his grandma started the tradition) is a family full of One letter families. It started with Kimberly (who had Dustin Denelle, Deanna, Denae, (oh man I'm forgetting a boy) and, Kelley (who had Kaleene, Kyler, Kavika, Kaanan) , and Kristine (who had Adam, Austin, Addison, Allie, Avery, Aubrey (p.s. did anyone else know the meaning of Aubrey is the Elfian King?!?! Just found that out). The kids even started it with Denelle who has Camrey and Carson but luckily Kaleene broke the tradition first (with Nicholas and Oliver). I was NEVER in my life going to do that...but I always thought if I did I would do S names like Sydney, Sarah, Sadie, Samantha, Sam, Spencer etc.
Part of the reason I loved Sydney is because I love names of places. That came from my very first favorite baby name Brooklyn. I decided on that name when I was 15 (unfortunatly Adam doesn't like it- thinks it sounds too harsh and not feminine enough). I thought I'd have a Brooklyn, a Sydney and perhaps a London (its less of a name more of a place where as the others can pass for names) I think Brooklyn and Sydney sound like sisters. I also like the name Paige and Paige also sounds like Sydney's sister. I like how Melissa and Megan sound like sisters without being too cutesie or out there.
I'm also real funny on spelling...she would HAVE to be Sydney and not Sidney or Sydnie...because we would be naming her after Sydney Australia. We both love the name Ashleigh/Ashley but I love the former spelling and Adam doesn't.
Well my spine finally feels like I can go back to sleep, it is now 4:05 am and I think I'm losing my mind...this is another post that contains random ramblings.
Oh and Samantha and Elizabeth are feeling too formal right now...you can't call a grown woman Sammie and there are too many options with Elizabeth (with Ella and Ellie being my favorite).
I guess we'll just have to see her face when she is born. Maybe she'll look the most like a Howard.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I have never been one to revel in the stillness of alone time, although I do enjoy my space...I am more of a person who wants to be involved whether it be with one person or twenty. I find I become too melancholy when I'm alone, especially when I'm without Adam or my family.
I am thinking about my new home. I am thinking about the baby hanging out under my ribcage. I am thinking about my husband. I am thinking about school. I am done with every project but one for the summer II semester. In two weeks I'll start session III and be on my way to my final semester. I'll do all I can. I already feel stretched thin, thinking about my little baby at home with Addison while I finish my final semester at school. I've already shed tears, knowing that I would be leaving her. Knowing it was the best thing for her and for our family. If I postpone this last semester, she will know me better and better each passing month and be more aware of my leaving her.
This has been a random post and I will leave with one final thought...the other night in our birthing class they showed a video of a c-section. I didn't really want a c-section before and now I REALLY don't. First of all, they explained that a c-section baby has more fluid and toxicity in their lungs because when they are born naturally these toxins and fluids are squeezed from their little bodies (part of the miracle of birth). Aside from this, they don't lay the baby on your chest to clean and start the transition process. I know it sounds weird, but I really want that moment with my baby. I want her to know that I am there and that she isn't far from me. What a scary experience to leave your Father in Heaven and come to earth to be born. I watched this video and it almost made me cry. I wanted to hold this baby crying baby and tell him that everything was going to be okay. His dad was finally able to hold him and he stopped crying but when the nurses were doing their thing he was shaking and crying the saddest little cry in the world. Don't get me wrong, I want to hear my baby screaming when she is born. I don't think I'll feel completely at ease until I hear that crying baby but I want to be there.
Ultimately I put it in Gods hands and pray that whatever way she comes into the world she will be safe and healthy. I won't complain as long as she's safe and healthy...but I still would prefer not to have her via c section.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
These are updated pictures of the new house taken on Friday, June 12, 2009. There isn't too much to finish in the house except for flooring, toilets, and some appliances. The house should be finished in about 3 more weeks and during the fourth week we will have our final walk through and sign closing papers so we can get our keys. We are praying that everything continues on schedule so we can move in on July 11-15 and get everything ready for our little nameless baby girl Turney.
Updated 6/13: Yesterday we got a call from our real estate agent letting us know that we will have a preliminary walk through on June 30. This means that the house should be almost completely finished by that date, they will only make some minor changes in preparation for the final walk through. Also, we went out and bought our new washer, dryer, and refrigerator. Next we need to pick out some blinds and get the ceiling fans. It looks like it should all be on schedule.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
So yesterday I'm giving a lesson on the life cycle of grasshoppers. Pretty standard stuff. The kids have been working on an insect unit in science and we were comparing the four stage life cycle of a butterfly to the three stage life cycle of a grasshopper. (Second grade)
We began the lesson by brainstorming and predicting what we know about insects and grasshoppers. The second question was "How are grasshoppers born."
Heather raised her hand and said "I predict they are born from eggs."
I told her that was a great prediction and asked if anyone had any other predictions...
Alicia raised her hand and said "Mrs. Turney I have a question."
I said "what is your question Alicia", knowing she was about to go off topic.
"Mrs. Turney, how is your baby going to come out of there."
"Ummm....that's a different lesson we are going to save for another day," was my nervous reply.
"...but Mrs. Turney, how did it get in there."
19 pairs of beady little eyes starred at me with curiosity. Finally I have their attention for THIS...None of them knew (thank goodness) and they all waited in anticipation for me to elaborate.
"We are going to talk about grasshoppers now and then in another lesson later (much later when I am no longer teaching you children) you'll have a lesson on it."
Off. the. hook.
Yesterday we had our first birthing class. For three weeks, in three hour sessions we get to learn about the joy of giving birth. Time is ticking by (hence the picture) and I am getting excited to see little baby girl!
Adam has adamantly refused to watch me give birth...so I asked if he was going to watch the video. He replied "umm they are not going to make us watch that stupid video, it's not a health class." It's a birthing class...of course they made us watch it!
The lady basically brought out all the things that we are going to be hooked up to in the hospital, including the epidural stuff. I've been nervous because I thought that the needle would stay in my spine the whole time (like an IV)...and that is apparently (happily) not true.
The best part of the night came at the end when we did our breathing exercises. After a couple practice rounds of Breath in...2...3...4...out...2...3...4 with the instructor, she told us that she was going to have our partners count for us and they were going to keep track of our breaths. Suddenly Adam turns to me and says "wait what are we doing?" and then she says start so I'm trying to count for myself, keep track myself, and concentrate with Adam asking me what he is supposed to be doing. He was not helpful. There had been a part in the movie where a husband had said he liked the intimate face to face interaction where you are up in your partners face communicating and Adam gets real close to my face as I'm trying to count my way through this "contraction" and he starts counting all off and I burst out laughing. The lady was not impressed. The next time he tried harder although his attempts were lame...about 30 seconds into the "contraction" he counted in...2...3...4 then suddenly said "and hold." As soon as he told me to hold my breath I lost it again and started cracking up. It was so funny. At least this time I was able to finish the breath and have a good amount of breaths for the time we were "contracting"
Afterwords, we decided to go check out our house. It was 9:00 at night so it was really dark and we couldn't see much but we could tell they put our cabinets in!!! We walked around the house guided by the light of Adam's cell phone hahaha. We were so excited and can't wait until next week when we get to see even more progress!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
For almost 10 months I struggled with the desire to have a baby. After a false alarm in my life a little seed was planted in my mind and a desire to try to have a baby grew. I knew it wasn't the right time in my heart. I knew I had to finish school before we started a family due to financial and personal reasons. I worried that the blessing would not come into our lives due to the cancer that had plagued Adam years before. For those ten months the only thing on my mind was getting through school . Taking 18-20 credits was the result fueled by my desire. Getting our finances in order was another result. The stronger the desire for a baby in our family grew, the harder I worked to accomplish my goals. I didn't know how a pregnancy would go, or how it would affect my schooling so I continued to press forward.
Not only this, but my natural desire was opposed by Adam's desire to wait. He'd promised my dad before we were married that I would get my degree. He also knew of my own desire to graduate, and didn't want anything to stand in the way. Adam remained a rock for me and we'd talk about it at times but didn't pursue it further. Dozens of church talks and opinions were thrown our way with the same consensus, we were selfish to wait. Even armed with the words of prophets, we STILL felt in our hearts it was not yet time and although we knew the time was coming we were content to wait.
As I began my final year at UNLV that desire turned into something different...for both of us. We felt the clock had spoken and the time had come. I figured we were a few months away because I was still over nine months away from graduation so we knew that time was not perfect yet. One day we went out to eat at our favorite spot (Red Robin) and out of the blue Adam turned to me and said "It's time we start our family." I knew he was right...but neither of us knew he was a little late. I was already pregnant. We would find out a couple weeks later and we were so happy.
I know several friends who struggle with the concept of timing and this is why I write this post. Not only will I have the baby right in the middle of the second to last, and final semesters (near perfect timing) but I will also have my awesome brother in law off his semester at school to come live with us and take care of the baby while I finish my final semester. So while I can't wait for December to come so I can be a full time stay at home mom, I know that everything is just working out the way it is SUPPOSED to and not the way you think it should.
So my new plan is to stop planning my life. I realize now more than ever that my life is not my own and that I am being led by a loving Father in Heaven who knows way more about my happiness than I do.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Since I received my substitute license and fulfilled my practicum one requirement at Tanaka, I've been at the school nearly ever day since September. I've seen teachers and students come and go, I've fallen in love with my second grade friends, I've been involved in school functions and programs, and today I feel like crying.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the daily ripping of the calender in the teachers lounge (yes teachers have a count down until the last day of school and celebrate with each day that is torn off the calender). I'm looking forward to having my husband more available and enjoying the summer months...but I am going to miss these kids. I have to admit, when I chose to go into the Elementary Education program and not Secondary Education...I had my doubts. I didn't know if I could have the patience for the noise, the whining, and I didn't know if I could handle watching the students struggle with home life. Now I feel such a connection with the students, with the school. My patience has grown immensely over the last two years and I love being a part of the Tanaka family, if only by marriage :)
This morning I went to see my second grade class- Ms. Dittrich's class. As I walked in the door I was rushed by a flood of open arms and little bodies. They all shouted for joy as I walked in the room. Ms. Dittrich told them that I would be happy to sign their memory books and year books and shirts or whatever so they lined up next to me as I signed little messages to them. I suddenly realized what it must be like to be a princess at Disneyland- adored by all. Nobody asks me for my autograph in the "real world" unless its a signature on a check or contract.
I can understand why we are told in scripture to be like little children, and why Christ told the people to suffer the little children to come unto Him. I imagine, although Christ loves everyone, it must have been a different experience to spend time with the people who asked nothing of Him, but showed unto Him the purest love and offered the purest hearts. They are so innocent and sweet.
On a different note, I'm spending the majority of the day with Adam's 4th grade class. I've signed their shirts too...but these kids were second graders just two years ago when Adam started working here. It's so sad to watch them grow up! Adam is having a major party in his room. As I type I have a game of twister going on, monopoly, sorry, and of course THE WII. Adam told his class he'd bring the WII if they brought controllers and games. It is quite the hit.
So today is full of melancholy celebration. Next year will be different as I will be placed in another school for student teaching, and I will no longer have the desperate need to bestow my affection to another woman's child hahaha. It will also be different because Tanaka is going to a 12 month school and this is truly their last, last day of school which means Adam is off until the SECOND WEEK IN OCTOBER!!! That's a lot of Adam. Good thing I like a lot of Adam :)
So until next year Tanaka- I will miss you.