I am running. I am tired. My legs are so tired I can hardly move another inch and yet I keep running. If I stop I will be trampled. If I trip I will lose my momentum. Each day I wake up and begin my robotic routine. I feel I am losing my sanity.
Work is mentally and emotionally challenging. Keeping the elderly happy and entertained seems like an eternal task. Nobody smiles anymore. I listen as person after person tells me of their lost loves, their aches and pains, their problems with identity theft and their inability to preform the simplest tasks anymore. I just wonder if this is what life is about and this is what I have to look forward to. I don't want to get old, I think I'd just rather die at the age of 50 when I can still have the opportunity to do the things I want to do and just skip out on the aging process. Then there are the managers and co-workers who hate the customers and their jobs. Every other word at the bank rhymes with truck. I can understand how people can get frustrated or think something is so funny they have to let out a swear word once in a while, but when these are the words that you weave your everyday vocabulary with- you should probably go back to school. I only have to hang on a little while longer.
School is on top of work. After 35 hours a week working at the bank I take 18 credits of school. This is so I can just get it over with. I know what I want to do and I'm determined to finish my degree...but I can't believe some of the expectations of some professors. I swear my math teacher Scott was sent from heaven to help me understand math- but other than that I struggle to find time to balance everything. Getting my education is really important to me, and I may be the first Marsden woman to graduate with a bachelors degree from College (I know my mom did but she was an Ensign really so it doesn't count).
My Church responsibilities are overwhelming as well. Bishop wants us to have an activity every month-yet we don't have an activities committee. Adam and I are in charge of everything. I found out today that we are having a ward activity on July 26th at 5:30. I will only be able to attend part of it, and I get off work at 2:00. I nearly threw up. The last activity was so stressful and we had a lot of help- this time it's even worse. We are having 11 people in our house that weekend- on top of homework I have to worry about entertaining. The last time my In laws were over there was a small problem where I HAD to get a homework assignment done, so I told them all to go to the movie without me. My mother in law wanted us all to be together which is understandable but I really had to do my homework- I'd already been at work all week so I'd given up time with them for that but I needed to finish that assignment that day so she said if I didn't go nobody would go and they all sat there by my desk and played games. I felt bad but I HAD to get my homework done.
I just feel like I have so many responsibilities- which makes me feel like a horrible wife and a horrible member of the Church. I'm going to try to do better at being a better person. Life will get easier when I quit my job in October to substitute three days a week and I go to 15 credits for the next four semesters until I graduate- just knowing there are only four semesters left- a year and a half makes me feel a little more calm.
Last night I couldn't fall asleep. I was so wired thinking about all the responsibilities that I had to do- I was so completely exhausted. I was lying in bed with Adam when I started feeling so panicked I got up, went to the living room and cried. I flipped open the scriptures to whatever and just started reading: "And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall." I read that verse over and over and over again until I started feeling better. I prayed for strength and cried and prayed and cried and when I couldn't cry anymore I went to bed.
I know it will be worth the exhaustion and the stress and physical and mental pain. I just wish this semester would be over so I could breath.
4 comments:
Melissa, this is just what I needed to hear--or, rather, read today. Life gets so incredibly frustrating sometimes. It's nice to know I'm not alone while I'm going through it, though. You have so much support (I know you do because you have such an amazing family!) and so many people love you and want the best for you. This helps me get through those particularly bad weeks.
Good luck with all your endeavors! I know you can do it!
Hang in there Melissa! At least you are being honest with yourself and others by letting this all out. Life can be hard at times. Things stress us out beyond belief!! It's okay to get frustrated and cry all night.
I hope you are feeling better today.
Melissa was there any particular reason why you chose the age of 50!?! :-)
Melissa, I know it's easy for me to say because I'm just a bystander but hang in there. You are working towards very worthy goals. Your appreciation for your accomplishment will be greater for the hardships you are going through. My unsolicited advise, one thing I've learned...from being 3 years from 50 :-)...is that I can say "No" to some things. I don't have to run faster than I have strength for like the scriptures advise. Plus I don't know if life will get better but YOU will get better at the juggling part. You already are doing an incredible job. And we love you, so holler if we can help.
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