A thought...

I have spent countless hours on my knees in my lifetime. Many of those hours seemed wasted, fruitless, and lonely. I would sob, begging my Father in Heaven for something I thought I wanted or needed desperately. I felt my prayers go unanswered.

Tonight as I type this my daughter is in her crib...pleading, screaming for me to come and rescue her from the darkness. She is in pain because she has been teething. She wants me to scoop her up and hold her. But it is night night time.

I know that what is best for her is sleep. Since 6 am she hasn't slept more than an hour and a half. I can see the tired look in her eyes. I know she needs sleep but she fights it. She won't fall asleep in my arms and she needs to learn how to soothe herself and fall asleep.

It is not easy for me. I hear every cry and every inch of me wants to scoop her up in my arms and hold her always until all the pain goes away. However, I know that she needs to learn. She needs to take those steps toward independence and self reliance.

So tonight I feel humbled and have received a closer glimpse into the great eternal plan for a loving Father who knows what is best for us. I feel right now that I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and my heart aches and I am grateful that I have the knowledge she will be alright. I know she is crying out for me. It hurts. Parenting can hurt. But I know once she starts to learn to go "ni-night" it will be worth the heartache.

Book Review: These is My Words

"Mama told me to make a special point to remember the best times of my life. There are so many hard things to live through, and latching on to the good things will give you strength to endure, she says. So I must remember this day. It is beautiful and this seems like the best time to live and the best place (p. 327)"

This post might take a while to write and I'm not sure I should write it right now. I like to take a few days to let a book settle in my brain before I make a judgment on it. I can honestly say it was a tremendous read and made me feel the way a book is supposed to make you feel. At times I was so mad I could just stop reading right then and there. Other times my heart felt heavy like when I closed the book and it was over. Most of the time I was loving every second and actually had to cover the pages so that I couldn't see what was happening next because I was so desperate to know what Sarah Prine had in store for her.

The book starts in 1881 as Sarah is 17 years old and her family decides to move from Arizona to Texas. Along the way there are problems, deaths, sicknesses, and sadness and in the end they head back with a wagon company to Arizona.

The book is written in diary form. It starts off very rough as Sarah doesn't know how to write very well but after a while she is taught some more about writing and reading and has a deep love for learning.

I haven't vested as much interest in a relationship other than my own since Twilight. I love the Twilight series but I must say Edward Cullen doesn't hold a candle to Jack Elliot and is not fit to lick the dust off his boots.

I really liked Sarah's character and it validated me in many ways. I have often felt the way Sarah does about myself (I'm not as righteous and good as some, but perhaps it is my feisty personality that makes Adam love me).

The book was so good that I found myself going back to passages I loved and re-reading them before I had ever completed the book. There was one part I read three times over and another that I read about six times with tears pouring down. Although I have finished with the book I am going to purchase a copy of it and re-read it this summer.

I would recommend this book to anyone (but especially women because I think they can relate more). Of the five books I've read so far in 2010 this one has a sense of hope and goodness rather than doom and gloom. Adam got a kick out of me laughing and gasping in shock and reading humorous parts out loud to him and giggling at the scandal.

Adam ordered me 11 new books that haven't come yet and I'm feeling a little lost as to what I should read at the moment but I have one that I guess I could listen to :)

Book Review:The Road

"Can you do it? When the time comes? When the time comes there will be no time. Now is the time. What if it [the gun] doesn't fire? It has to fire. Could you crush that beloved scull with a rock? Hold him in your arms. Just so. The soul is quick. Pull him towards you. Kiss him. Quickly." Pg 96

These are the thoughts of The Man as his son lay sleeping in his arms. They are faced with cannibalistic humans hunting them and in this moment he is wondering when the time comes if he has it in him to kill his son in any way possible to protect him.

The Road follows an unnamed father and son journeying together toward the sea across a post-apocalyptic landscape, some years after a great, unexplained cataclysm has destroyed civilization and almost all life on Earth. The setting is extremely bleak; the sun is obscured by a layer of ash so thick that the pair must breathe through masks, and the land seems devoid of any living plants or animals (The Man talks about the extinction of cows). The surviving remnants of civilization have been largely reduced to cannibalistic tribalism, or nomadic scavenging of metropolitan detritus that is almost entirely depleted. Realizing that they will not survive another winter in their present location, the father leads them through this desolate landscape towards the sea, sustained by a vague hope of finding other "good people" like them.

Adam read this book and it became his second favorite of all time (second to Jose Saramago's Blindness). For 6 months he has been begging me to read it promising that I will love it. I will say it wasn't the most cheery read of my life...but it certainly had me turning the pages. Some parts were so intense that I had a hard time reading with my back to the door and found myself in a corner just so I wouldn't have any (cannibalistic) surprises awaiting me.

I had a hard time connecting to the characters but when The Man and The Boy (names are obsolete in their world) have conversations you feel for The Man only wanting to do right by his son.

Book Review: Tuesdays with Morrie

"In the beginning of life, when we were infants, we need others to survive, right? And at the end of life, when you get like me, you need others to survive, right? But here's the secret: in between, we need others as well."

I'm about ten years behind in reading this book but it was fabulous. I found myself drawn to the story and found myself growing from the insight of the dying man. I won't say much about this book as much has already been said and written. This book was suggested to me by my mom. The synopsis is: (if you've been living under a rock and never heard of it) A young man hears about the impending death of his favorite college professor Morrie Shwartz from ALS. He decides to go visit him one last time and while he is there he gets suckered into coming again the next week until he is flying to Boston from Detroit EVERY TUESDAY to see him and learn from him. It is a true story and I've since watched several youtube videos of Morrie on nightline.

The thing that I found most interesting is that Morrie was so dependent on everyone and wasn't ashamed. Many times in life when I have been faced with a difficulty I struggle to ask for help and even if help is offered I struggle still. I don't want to show vulnerability or put people out. I have decided I need to reconcile with my struggle and learn to let people serve me. Morrie said we need to "have compassion and take responsibility for each other."

I think because Morrie was full of wisdom the best way to talk about the book is to share some of my favorite quotes:

"What's wrong with being number two?"

"Death ends a life, not a relationship."

"...if you're trying to show off for people at the top, forget it. They will look down on you anyhow. And if you're trying to show off for people at the bottom, forget it. They will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere. Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone."

"Money is not a substitute for tenderness, and power is not a substitute for tenderness."

"Aging is not just decay...It's growth."

"Don't let go too soon but, but don't hang on too long."

"The fact is, there is no foundation, no secure ground, upon which people may stand today if it isn't the family."

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."

***So this is a little bonus review for the week as I have already written my review on "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy which will be published tomorrow. I was lucky enough to travel to California for a quick visit with Rosalie and on the way I listened to the book on CD. It was read by the author which I think made it all the more interesting***